Humor Archives

How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids:

- Mess Test

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

- Toy Test

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if
you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a
blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

- Grocery Store Test

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.

- Dressing Test

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all the arms stay inside.

- Feeding Test

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending
to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

- Night Test

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and
hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm
for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have
ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until
4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.

- Ingenuity Test

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into
an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of
foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of
Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

- Automobile Test

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream
cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime.
Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate
chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both
side of the car. There, perfect!

- Physical Test (Women)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try
not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them
for a while.

- Physical Test (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to
the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.

- Final Assignment

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they
can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet
training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time
you will have all the answers.