One good thing about Alzheimer's
is you get to meet new people
every day.

POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed,
redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. 
  You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO
DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH

Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.

Hard work never killed anyone,
but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires

I don't have a solution; but I do
admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, 
but I can't prove it.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS   But it uses up a thousand times the
memory

The Meek shall inherit the earth..  ...after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing   It would have been done already

Two can live as cheaply as one...
for half as long.

HAM AND EGGS   A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment
for a pig.

Lord, If I can't be skinny, 
please let all my friends be fat.

Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW
DOWN HERE    So keep on going.

Confession is good for the soul,
but bad for your career.

How much can I get away with
and still go to heaven?

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

JESUS LOVES YOU  It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when
you haven't been anywhere.

WELCOME TO UTAH  Set your watch back 20 years.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot
easier on you.

Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything,  But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared
half to death twice?

Losing a husband can be hard. 
In my case it was almost impossible.

JESUS IS COMING!    Look Busy.

We have enough youth.   How about a fountain of "Smart"?

Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!

Two rights do not make a wrong.    They make an airplane.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

Is reading in the bathroom considered   Multi-Tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all.
Can't remember most of it.